St. Patrick’s Day in Chicago is a clash of the wonderful and the terrible. You’re allowed – nay, encouraged – to drink early and often. Yet you apparently can’t be trusted with a proper glass for the entire 24 hour period. Better be gentle with the plastic shot glass – $3 worth of Jameson is going to spill all over your “Kiss Me, I’m Shitfaced” shirt. It’s a celebration of Irish culture that regrettably includes the regrettably named drinks Black & Tan (named after a brutal British militia/constabulary auxiliary during the Irish War of Independence) and Irish Car Bomb (self-explanatory) on special boards and “Chi-rish” banners. But the most apparent contradiction? There’s plenty of beer on offer, and 99 percent of it sucks. That plastic pint of green beer? That’s probably not a fresh keg. But it’s plentiful, and festively colored, so have at it.
Or, if you find yourself indisposed to revelry on the 17th, we’ve brought the experience to you. ManBQue Adjunct Beer Researcher Death Toll Scholl took it upon himself to re-create the magic of St. Paddy’s beer in the home kitchen. You can have your own Erin Go Bro-down in the comfort of your own home. Just make sure to play the same 11 songs on repeat. Bonus points if you can find a drunk 19 year old girl with a fake ID to stumble into your home and throw up on your sweatshirt or jacket.
1 glass or cup
12 oz cheap lager (That Natty or Busch can that’s been in the back of the fridge since your 4th of July BBQ? Perfect!)
3 drops green food coloring
1 slice bacon – cooked to your very heart’s content
For once, we’ve decided to create a pictorial slideshow, to better illustrate the technique. Take it away, Professor Death Toll:
Line up your supplies. Shitty plastic cups? Check! But we’ll use a proper glass for illustrative purposes. SCIENCE!
Three drops of food coloring. No more, no less. Consequences will be dire.
Pour your beer with the world-weary attitude of a bartender who has had enough of your shit by 1 pm.
Yeah, that’s certainly a green beer. Something’s missing …
Yep. Nailed it.
Have fun this weekend, kids. Don’t pee on anything you shouldn’t.